Making Amends with My Body
Another nibble on a cookie here, a bite of chocolate there, a quick handful of crackers, a another round of drinks….and 10 lbs later here I am.
Frustrated, angry, pissed, and uncomfortable in my own skin.
This isn’t a fun post to write but it’s one I need to write. I had an emotional breakdown this past Friday over my weight. It was after I complained for the 32nd time to my husband about my pants being too tight, he said “Well if that’s the problem then just work out more and stop eating dessert. And if that doesn’t work well then maybe you should see someone.”
I shot back with “See someone?? Why is it always me who needs help?? (Side note, therapists don’t always like getting a taste of their own medicine) Why is it that I can’t loose a f**king pound when I’m busting my ass at the gym 5 times a week but other people can eat whatever they want and be twigs!! And fine I guess I should give up all desserts for the rest of my life, and while I’m at it I’ll stop drinking and eating all carbs! Oh and I’ll just spend 2 hours at the gym instead of the 1, I guess that’s the ONLY way for me to be happy.”
At that point I was in tears. Drenched in self-loathing and hatred for my own war against my body.
The next morning after the cry fest I woke up feeling like shit. Not only because I had too many drinks the night before but also that I let that incredibly ugly side of me take over. I had 2 choices: (1) continue the pity party with the hopes I’ll magically get blessed with Gisele’s body one day relieving all my problems, or (2) make amends with my body and get healthier.
I opted against praying to the body Gods and decided to make a diet and fitness plan. The problem was where do I begin? Do I need to hire a trainer? Do I need to see a nutritionist? Do I need to sign up with Weight Watchers?
The answer was actually right in front of me. Sitting on my kitchen counter was Joy Bauer’s Food Cures book, a gift I so graciously received from Joy’s publishing team. I had breezed through it before but sadly hadn’t given it much thought since. I opened it up to see if there was anything helpful for someone like me, aka someone who already works out and eats healthy enough. I don’t have diabetes, heart problems, or high blood pressure so I doubted the usefulness.
I was dead wrong.
For the next hour I read through her weight loss chapter taking in every ounce of information. Scrutinized her meal options, calculated out my BMI and daily calorie intake, and started making a grocery list. And then I started writing this post.
I need this blog to hold me accountable for the goals I put forth.
I need to support from you to keep me motivated and not to turn to unhealthy habits again.
I need to make a change in what I’m doing because clearly something isn’t working.
I need to start practicing what I preach.
Starting now.
So here’s the plan for the next 2 weeks:
- Workout at least 5 times a week. This is an easy one since I already have a good gym schedule, it’s just making sure I hit the gym or get some sort of physical exercise almost everyday.
- Pick meal options from Joy’s book which totaling about 1,500 calories a day (300 breakfast, 400 lunch, 500 dinner, and 300 for snacks throughout the day)
- No alcoholic drinks during the week. I don’t need the added calories especially these first 2 weeks.
- Lots of self-love. No more fat talk and body hating thoughts. Just acceptance and patience with the process.
Now this blog is not going to turn into a 3 times a day log of what I ate and did. Sorry folks, you can find plenty of those other places but Morningstar Project is not a food diary. I’ll probably stick to posting 3 times a week because that fits my work schedule best. I’ll post favorite recipes, new diet tips I learn, and weekly updates on my progress. There are sure to be lots bumps and hurdles along the way and I promise I won’t hide any of the setbacks.
For those of you interested here’s Monday’s Health Plan:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with cinnamon, blueberries, and strawberries
Snack: Lite & Fit Yogurt
Lunch: Baby Arugula Salad with carrots, bell peppers, kidney beans, sunflower seeds, and golden raisins. Topped with low-fat Italian dressing. Side of blueberries for munching
Snack: Carrots with hummus
Dinner: Roasted rosemary and oregano chicken with sautéed broccoli and mushrooms
Workout: BodyStep class
Are any of you tackling a fitness or health goal right now?
Any tips for someone just starting a new plan? Any potholes to watch out for?
I would love for any of you to join me! Whether you have 5lbs or 20lbs it’s always better to make big changes with someone else 
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We could be the same person except my troubles are exercise related instead of food. You can totally do this. If you can do this PhD then you can do whatever you want!
BodyStep is freaking amazing, I miss my gym and the classes.
Thank you for your support!! I love all the Les Mills programs, seriously addicted to going to classes which sort of balances out my love for dessert and wine, but not always (hence the need to get back on track now)
First, hi! First time commenter, but I’ve been reading your blog for a bit. I enjoy it.
Note: this is majorly long. My bad. Hopefully you’ll have the patience to read it and find something valuable here. *hugs*
I too am trying to make amends with my body. I’ve had (well, have) an eating disorder, and I’m trying to love myself, not let the grumpy voice take over. I feel your frustrations. I too have packed on a bit of flab, and I want to work on my well being, gain some muscle, confidence, lose a bit of flab, feel better about myself. Thanks to my experience, I have a few recommendations. Some sound like “duh..seriously” but I’ll tell ya anywho!
Pitfalls:
1. Calorie counting. It’s a slippery slope. Yes, portion control is important, but I’d be weary of following a meal plan exactly from a book. Yes, its a good think for starting out, but once you get into a groove, estimate , do portion control, and make healthy choices to avoid living in a little math-a-licious obsessive anal hell.
2. Listen to your body. If you’re hungry, eat. Maybe have dinner earlier, or if your snack needs to bit more satisfying, so be it. Have a piece of fruit with a bit of nut butter, or yogurt. Figure out what works for you. It’s a process.
3. Don’t eliminate carbs/fats/x/y/z. You might get crumpy and unsatisfied. Just think portion control, picking healthy options. Balance and moderation. (Sounds waaaaaay easier than it is). Yes, eating less carbs has shown to help lose weight and keep it off if diet maintained. But lets not get crazy and radical and black and white. (Ok maybe I’m just talking to myself here..please forgive)
4. Make a plan for if things don’t go as you planned them one day. This happens. You’re human. What will you tell yourself? How will you get back on track? Again, avoid end of the world thinking, and make the next choice you make a healthy one.
Recommend:
1. Treat yourself. And make sure you’re satisfied with your food. Ideally you’re changing your lifestyle. Also, if you’re not content you’ll be more likely to be grumpy, grouchy, unhappy, and overcompensate for not getting your sweet tooth in. There are some awesome food blogs out there with recipes for making sweet treats healthier. Afterwards, you feel good about getting in your sweet tooth/indulgence, AND energized/good about getting some nutrients. No guilt=good. When you reward yourself, do something that will feel rewarding the next day. Speaking of rewards, make some for when you stick with your plan! Or even if you don’t stick to it exactly, but still kick ass. Sticker charts seem childish, but as a psychologist you know all about rewards and conditioning. (Psycho major, future *crosses fingers* psychiatrist speaking)
2. Affirmations. Yes, science says they work, but when you go to do them (at least for me) it feels silly and lame. But keep trying. I also like yoga because of the sort of spiritual aspect. Mantras, self love.
3. Make sure your exercise is fun. And your food is enjoyable. You don’t want to make yourself miserable.
4. As a foodie/health freak/disordered girl I’ve done some research (or been obsessive) and have some recommendations/stats food/drink wise. (use slashes much?)
*green tea: fights belly fat by speeding fat oxidation. Drinking this (6 cups I think) has shown to cause weight & belly fat loss w/o restriction of cals. For me I didn’t like it at first, but then became addicted. Many other benefits too-endurance, good for the brain, antioxidant power house)
*beans: study showed substituting beans for other carbs let to weight loss w/o cal restriction. Long story short-choose fiber-ous foods (whole grains, your fruits and veg, etc) Blood sugar stabilization=good. Full of protein, they kick ass.
*speaking of protein: greek yogurt (low fat). Maybe sub this for your lite & fit? Its soo much more satisfying than that yogurt, plus its full of protein. and delicious. Also, the calcium is good for weight loss-it inhibits fat absorption during digestion maybe? Make sure you get your calcium-another reason to feel good about eating leafy greens.
*alcoholic drinks: alcohol is a killer calorie wise and for glucose metabolism. But lets keep it real, you’re going to have a good time. Opt for a drink of vodka & lime (clear alcohol=less hangover), or wine for resveratol (anti-ager).
*Check out the website worlds healthiest foods. http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php I find it reinforcing/empowering to read about how awesome the food I’m eating is for me. Sometimes I’m sure you won’t be in the mood for a veggie-licious dinner. But after checking this website out you might be more open to veggie land and get some encouragement for making healthy choices.
*Good fats. Calories constant, replacing saturated fats w/ unsaturated fats can cause weight loss. Yes, nuts and oils have higher cals, but isnt that crazy? Nuts are a good snack. And maybe a bit of olive oil on a salad. The fat increases carotenoid (good phytochemicals) by like 400%/crazy percent.
*Also, fat will make you feel more satisfied (slows digestion), as does protein. Cinnamon may also suppress appetite, as does hot pepper, which also might give the ole metabolism a kick.
5. As for workouts, get your strength training on. Muscles cells are more active than fat cells at rest-they burn more calories when you’re not active. Maybe see if your gym has a body fat calculator/scale? At the end of your two week plan/jumpstart into healthier lifestyle, if you haven’t lost weight (or as much as you’d desired), but you’ve converted fat into muscle that is awesome. Cardio’s killer for burning the cals, but pump that iron.
6. I recommend probiotics. Yogurt or supplement. Fermented foods. You might be getting more fiber, and your body will adjust..and it might bring un-fun and bring socially unacceptable consequences. Plus didja know ~70-80% of your immune system is in your gut? Good bacteria and symbiotic love.
Other fun facts:
*Eating a lot of saturated fats messes with the body’s “I’m full” signal. Saturated fats make the body say I’m still hungry, keep feeding me, and may mess with the system for a few days. Meanwhile, unsaturated fats will let you know when you’re full and not make you want to stuff your face.
*Cardio: during the first 15-20mins you burn your body’s glycogen which the liver has on hand. Further into your workout, you burn fat. There’s some speculation that if you do cardio first thing in the a.m. you burn more fat.
*Post workout snack/meal: I like to have protein to help rebuild the muscle-less soreness the next day. And “they” recommend simple sugars, to get the blood sugar stabilized and make up for whats been depleted. So if there’s anytime for something sweet, its now.
*Also, salt makes you retain water (which has weight). Go easy on the salt, get crazy with other spices.
Wowza I could spout off little facts forever. Lol good luck!
Wow thank you for the super informative comment!! I actually might take some of your tips and post them in tomorrow’s post, would you mind? I’ll refer back to your blog of course
but I figure others would like to know this as well. If nurtition isn’t your profession it definitely should be!
That’s fine. Glad I could be of some help.
Almost forgot! Try to make an extra effort to get enough sleep each night so the “I’m hungry” hormones keep in check.
And yeah. I realize my comment is like twice as long as your blog entry. Embarrassing. Guess I wish someone would’ve thrown me a line before I went off the deep end. Plus I love sharing all these nerd/obsessive facts and putting them to use for the better.
I go throught this exact same thing about once a year but just trust yourself that you’ll get to where you want to be. And you’re totally allowed to have a pity party bc let’s face it, it’s freaking hard to be a woman and a wife and stay in shape and work/study/cook, etc. and every now and then you just gotta bitch about it
Glad I’m not the only housewife in America struggling to manage it all! Your VS post yesterday was the perfect comic relief I needed yesterday
I’m so proud of you for writing this post. I can’t tell you how many times a month (too many) I have a mental breakdown. I just visited with a friend who is particularly/overly skinny and its really doing a number on my self esteem today. You’ve inspired me to pack a better lunch tomorrow, and get my ass in gear. The hardest part, for me, is eating well at my desk. Please do keep us posted
Aww thank you for the sweet comment, it made me smile
I have several friends who have crazy metabolisms and can eat whatever they want. It’s hard to not get jealous when you see someone with the body type you want. I’ve come to understand I’ve got a curvy, athletic build which means I’ll never be a size 2, but I do have a damn nice butt!
I’m right there with you!
I’ve made a lot of progress but am definitely still a ways from where I need to be. I use weightwatchers and really like it. But I really need to get better about working out (aside from just running) and staying on track on the weekends.
One step at a time.
Glad I’m not alone on this one
I started keeping a food journal, something I’ve done in the past, and it helps me keep myself accountable. I’m a total snacker throughout the day so having to write down everything I take a bite of makes me realize how many extra calories I’m unknowingly eating. If you can motivate me with the food, I’ll help motivate you with the working out!
sounds like a plan!
Oh, Hello!
I find your blog very addictive and I will haveto comment here because I think you have absolutely 100% everything you need to get content with your body again…even if you feel better after 5 days and decide to ababndon the whole two week time frame you know? Sometimes that’s all it takes.
I particularly like that you wrote “hatred for my own war against my body” rather than hatred for your body. It’s true. It’s the war that is the most deserving of hate.
Welcome and thanks for the comment! I have to admit I’ve been silently stalking your blog lately and love all your posts (yes I’m that creeper who doesn’t comment). It’s just refreshing to read someone writing with emotions and honesty – so thank you for that. I’ve definitely been waging a war against my body for way too long, it’s just emotionally exhausting. I’ve been in happy places with how I look and feel before, it’s just getting through this bumpy spot right now and figuring out how to make a change.
I just found your blog and it couldn’t have come at a better time! I had a near breakdown this week too…I’ve been trying to lose about 15 pounds for a few years now with no luck. Now I’m getting married in 2 months which you’d think would’ve kicked me in high gear but I’m still struggling! I wrote a post last week similar to this but haven’t posted since because I was debating if I really want to share this private issue with everyone…it didn’t help that I got an email from my mom after she read the post with some healthy eating video she’d seen on YouTube. I know she meant to be helpful but I don’t think she understood my blog post, I don’t need more information I just need to stick to something and just do it! I have a tendency to completely over complicate things and then get discouraged when I don’t do what I’d set out to do.
I think you’ve inspired me to continue my original plan of using my blog to stay motivated
My goal is to be comfortable again and generally get my butt in shape. I’ve been doing the Body for Life workout plan for the past 9 weeks (which I like but I think I want to do more cardio) but not the eating plan so I want to at least track what I eat (myfitnesspal.com and their Droid app help a lot) for the next few weeks. I’m also thinking about signing up for a 5k in September, I haven’t run a race since my 1/2 marathon in 2009!
Welcome and thank you for the fabulous comment! I actually debated on writing this post because it’s sort of embarrassing to talk about weight gain to anyone let alone a bunch of strangers! But I knew I needed to do something because crying about it wasn’t exactly helping. I definitely know what you mean about over complicating dieting issue – I can be my own worst enemy and sabotage all my efforts. That’s why blogging is so helpful, holds me accountable and getting support from wonderful readers is way better than me doing this alone
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
Lord have mercy, I feel your pain! I was having such issues getting out of the house this morning! I was running late, my hair was a mess, I felt like my dress didn’t fit right and I didn’t have time to put makeup on. Part of me wonders if I haven’t worked out in months and months and I’m just not comfortable with the changes in my body because of that – I never weigh myself, so I’m not sure what I weigh. But ugh. I’m going to hop on this challenge, but since I don’t weigh myself, I’ll probably just go based on how I feel!
I’m so proud of you for writing this post! I bet it felt great, didn’t it? To share your honest thoughts and make plan of action. I’m familiar with the body wars. I think most women I know have experienced some variation of body attacks at some point or another. I have 100% confidence in you to get yourself back to a place of happiness and comfort in your own skin. I’ll be here cheering you on!!
Lindsey, So, as you may already be aware….I have had a lot of expeirience with hating the war against my body. I don’t know if it is a war that I will ever personally be able to win, but what I do know is this: you are an amazingly strong woman with a lot of insight. You have all the info. and tools you need. You have faced, and overcome other challanges, and you can do the same with this. Thanks for the blog Lindsey…your strength and journey inspire me.