Finding my “Happy” Size
Did I tell you that you’re awesome? If you didn’t know that before, well I’m telling you now. Like you are really wonderful, fabulous people. Even if you didn’t comment but read my last post and just nodded along, I want to hug you too. Or if this is your first time here and you happen to stick around for 1 minute longer than you expected, you also fall in my favorite people category.
I would offer you a celebratory glass of wine, but seeing that I’m not drinking during the week anymore, a hug from me admidst the trees will have to suffice:
I still can’t believe I actually wrote about gaining weight. On a blog. To be read by random strangers. To be read by random facebook stalker “friends.”
It’s the exact opposite of everything I would typically do in real life. I try to pick photos of myself to publish that are of my “good angle.” You know you have a favorite side. Mine is my left. Hair and bone structure is just better. It’s a fact.
Here is a picture of me during my honeymoon in 2009. About 13lbs lighter than what I weight now.
I felt good. Not only because I just got married but also because I was really healthy. I hired a trainer, ate well, and just lived a more healthy lifestyle. Did I still go out and have drinks with friends? Of course! Did I eat french fries, pizza, and cookies every once in a while? Absolutely. But I worked out consistently and was pretty mindful of what I ate most of the time.
Here is a photo of me a couple weeks ago with Mike:
First off I think I was talking through my teeth to the person taking the photo to hold down the button. Second, it’s not my favorite angle (left side definitely the best). Third, well I remember how I felt getting ready that night and it wasn’t fun. I tried on 10 outfits, nothing fit right, and finally I just caved a threw on a sundress that I felt ok in. I could probably list another 10 things I hate about this photo, but I’m going to refrain from the fat talk.
Now some people might be reading this and thinking, why does this girl want to be “skinny”? Why doesn’t she just accept a little weight gain? Why can’t she just be happy she’s healthy?
For me, writing about my imperfections feels a hell of a lot better than pretending to be someone I’m not. Pretending to write about “healthy living” when I don’t actually feel like I’m living that 100% of the time. Pretending that I can eat ice cream, cookies, cake and copious amounts of wine and not have after effects from a sugar-laden diet. Pretending that I feel happy no matter what size I am.
I have a “happy” size, I bet you do too. It’s not actually a number, it’s more of a feeling. For me, it’s that feeling when I’m eating food that tastes amazing because it’s good for you. Or being able to totally kick ass in spin class, sweat dripping down my face but I don’t care one bit because I just burned 600 calories (booyah Tuesday night spin!). Or when I look in the mirror and think, “I am looking really hot these days!”
For me it all goes back to how it feels. I’m an emotional person, I talk a lot about mushy feelings (hello I’m a therapist!) and all that gobbledegook that freaks some people out. But for me I don’t care about a number or a size, just a feeling of being healthy. Being back to the size my body ideally would be, which is a curvy and athletic body type with boobs and a booty.
I want those days where I feel sexy, confident, and strong. And not just every now and then.
I want them every day
Do you have a “happy” size? Are there points in your life you’ve felt better about your body? When do you feel the most confident with your body?