Finding my “Happy” Size
Did I tell you that you’re awesome? If you didn’t know that before, well I’m telling you now. Like you are really wonderful, fabulous people. Even if you didn’t comment but read my last post and just nodded along, I want to hug you too. Or if this is your first time here and you happen to stick around for 1 minute longer than you expected, you also fall in my favorite people category.
I would offer you a celebratory glass of wine, but seeing that I’m not drinking during the week anymore, a hug from me admidst the trees will have to suffice:
I still can’t believe I actually wrote about gaining weight. On a blog. To be read by random strangers. To be read by random facebook stalker “friends.”
It’s the exact opposite of everything I would typically do in real life. I try to pick photos of myself to publish that are of my “good angle.” You know you have a favorite side. Mine is my left. Hair and bone structure is just better. It’s a fact.
Here is a picture of me during my honeymoon in 2009. About 13lbs lighter than what I weight now.
I felt good. Not only because I just got married but also because I was really healthy. I hired a trainer, ate well, and just lived a more healthy lifestyle. Did I still go out and have drinks with friends? Of course! Did I eat french fries, pizza, and cookies every once in a while? Absolutely. But I worked out consistently and was pretty mindful of what I ate most of the time.
Here is a photo of me a couple weeks ago with Mike:
First off I think I was talking through my teeth to the person taking the photo to hold down the button. Second, it’s not my favorite angle (left side definitely the best). Third, well I remember how I felt getting ready that night and it wasn’t fun. I tried on 10 outfits, nothing fit right, and finally I just caved a threw on a sundress that I felt ok in. I could probably list another 10 things I hate about this photo, but I’m going to refrain from the fat talk.
Now some people might be reading this and thinking, why does this girl want to be “skinny”? Why doesn’t she just accept a little weight gain? Why can’t she just be happy she’s healthy?
For me, writing about my imperfections feels a hell of a lot better than pretending to be someone I’m not. Pretending to write about “healthy living” when I don’t actually feel like I’m living that 100% of the time. Pretending that I can eat ice cream, cookies, cake and copious amounts of wine and not have after effects from a sugar-laden diet. Pretending that I feel happy no matter what size I am.
I have a “happy” size, I bet you do too. It’s not actually a number, it’s more of a feeling. For me, it’s that feeling when I’m eating food that tastes amazing because it’s good for you. Or being able to totally kick ass in spin class, sweat dripping down my face but I don’t care one bit because I just burned 600 calories (booyah Tuesday night spin!). Or when I look in the mirror and think, “I am looking really hot these days!”
For me it all goes back to how it feels. I’m an emotional person, I talk a lot about mushy feelings (hello I’m a therapist!) and all that gobbledegook that freaks some people out. But for me I don’t care about a number or a size, just a feeling of being healthy. Being back to the size my body ideally would be, which is a curvy and athletic body type with boobs and a booty.
I want those days where I feel sexy, confident, and strong. And not just every now and then.
I want them every day 
Do you have a “happy” size? Are there points in your life you’ve felt better about your body? When do you feel the most confident with your body?
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I think you look beautiful! <3
I have a happy size, too, and it's like ~10 pounds ago. Or really just when I feel sexy 24/7!
Feeling sexy 24/7 would be my ideal! And I feel like my husband would be pretty happy with that too
I actually think it’s easier to blog about weight loss if only strangers are reading it! It’s the comments I get from real life friends or family that make me uncomfortable sharing things like that.
I definitely felt the best about my body when I was running regularly. I’m not sure I know what my happy size is now but I’ll let you know when I get there
Oh I know what you mean! I’ve had this dieting talk so many times with people but somehow it never goes quite the way I planned. Someone either thinks I’m beng overly critical, others don’t say anything, and other (like your mom) send you videos of healthy eating that are not helpful.
If running makes you happy then congrats on signing up for the 5k!
Okay, I was going to email you, but since you were brave and put this on the internet, I will to. I definitely walked into the kitchen last night, Bruce was doing dishes and I made him stop so I could cry and tell him I felt fat and ugly. I don’t weigh myself, so I don’t know if I’ve gained or not, but these days I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to take care of myself – through eating, putting extra effort into how I look (my hair hasn’t been down in forever), etc. etc. So yesterday I decided that I need to focus more on taking care of myself – eating balanced meals, exercising, sleeping and allowing myself extra time to primp a little. And I have to be honest – it helped!
Isn’t it funny how changing your mindset helps?? I noticed that even after 3 days of eating healthy, working out, and being mindful of my body I see a shift in my mood and outlook. And doesn’t it make you so happy to have a nice and supportive husband who truly does love you no matter how you look?
First off, everyone is their own worst critic. Second, You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that it’s about you not FEELING your best. Everyone indulges once in a while and that’s great – you put the work in and you have every right to go wild now and again! I think that your nutrition/exercise plan is a wonderful start. Just like your muscles need variation to keep them in their best condition, nutrition plans need a good shaking up, too. Know that your fans are here to support you and the majority of us have gone/are going through those same struggles
Thanks so much Jess! It really did help to write about this on the blog, holds me more accountable and lets me know I’m not alone on this one! And yes I am definitely my own worst critic, now it’s time to be my own best cheerleader.
I admire your courage.
I think all we women feel this way at some point. I’m definitely at that point. I’ve put on 30 lbs in the last few years since I started grad school. I look at pictures of me before school, and I can’t believe the difference. I used to be hot and, more importantly, confident. Now I’m just cute, if that. I am definitely on my way to healthier now, but it just can’t come soon enough. I want to say that I love my body no matter what my size, but I don’t… Thanks, Lindsey, for your post
Makes me feel like I’m not alone.
First off you are still hot, it’s just the confidence that’s lacking! At least that’s how I feel. And while I might feel more confident at a smaller size, it’s more the feeling of knowing I put in hard work to become a healthier better version of myself.
And based on others’ comments, I think it’s safe to say we are definitely not alone on this one!
Thanks, Lindsey! You too
You are beautiful! But LOL about the talking through your teeth in the photo, and I’ve admitted on my blog in a post earlier this summer about my photos and choosing the “good” ones, but maybe not really showing all of myself…rambling.
Anyway, yes, I do have a happy size – a feeling much like you described of strength, confidence, beauty, HEALTH! And some days are better than others. Bloating, acne, etc. Let’s strive towards being healthy everyday, and also loving ourselves everyday even when things don’t “feel” right. xoxo
I need to read the post I missed! First off you look beautiful in both pictures!
I totally agree with the feeling being the most important and feeling good about what your body can do, not what it looks like.
The main reason that I love to cross train is that I love the feeling of being able to do different activities and be able to handle the physical stress of what life may through at me. You have been through so much change and such a stressful time in the last few months. Now that you are settling into a routine, you will be able to pursue that feeling once more.
I can SO relate to this on a different level…I absolutely write about my imperfections as a mom and a wife because it feels better than pretending to be something that I am not. So I envy you and relate to you for writing this post.
With regards to your question, I am at my happy size right now. I feel great knowing that I am what I was in high school and that it isn’t because I am running my knee into the ground or trying too hard to eat the way I “should be.” Instead, I am exercising an hour a day doing things I want to do. And I want the bread and butter? I have the bread and butter. For me I’m mentally in a good place and I’m not obsessing about it. So finally, at 35 I am in a good place!
Great post! Kudos to you for putting it all out there…that’s exactly why I love your blog.